It Takes a Crisis To Know....

....that I'm probably done having kids!

The whole family - me, Mark, Ricky, and Teddy have been sick since July 4th. Mark and I were put on antibiotics and we finished them and are now on our second round! I started off with an ear infection and couldn't hear a darn thing out of my left ear - along with the cold, cough, stuffy head, etc. Well now we all have pink eye on top of it all!!!

This has been a pretty crappy 2 weeks - Ricky's been home from camp a lot, missed his T-ball game saturday, and we've been home quite a bit. We went to our nephew's graduation party in the suburbs Saturday night (all sick of course but doing our best) and on the way home Teddy threw up about 5 times in the car. When I say he threw up, it was the Exorcist-projectile vomit kind. It took Mark hours and hours to clean the seat and the car. Barf got into the vents too!

I miss the days of being little and living at home and being allowed to be sick. I would stay home from school and stay in bed all day - reading books, watching TV or just napping. My grandma (who lived with us) would bring me all my meals in bed - complete with a small vase with some cute flowers she picked in the garden. I was allowed to be sick and to rest as much as I needed.

You are not allowed to be sick if you are a parent. I can't just leave my kids in front of the TV and go take a nap. My first priority is to take care of them. The four of us all went to our doctors yesterday and I can't imagine what this would be like if we had more than 2 kids! At least with 2 Mark and I can each focus on one. Even this seems like a lot when you're sick yourself.

At the doctor's office yesterday I read an article in Time magazine about only children. It said that only children (as well as kids from families that only have 2 kids) score higher on achievement tests and do better over all than kids who come from families with multiple siblings. This makes sense in the simple fact of time. The more kids, the more you have to divide resources.

Mark and I have been talking about whether to try to have another child or not. If I were guaranteed a girl, I would jump at the chance, I think. But when times of sickness like this come, and when I think of money (although Mark is freelancing, he still doesn't have a permanent job) and time, stopping at 2 seems like the best thing. We are so lucky to even have Teddy, and my pregnancy was so tough (and unimaginable for how long) that I don't think another pregnancy is even a smart thing to do. Anyways, all I wanted to say was that the whole family being sick adds a perspective to the whole question of whether or not our family is complete. I think it very might well be.

Beware of the PMS Monster

It's Day #53 for me and no sign of AF!! I'm in a permanent state of PMS so I cried like a fool watching Oprah this morning with all the reunions . I'm on day 7 of Provera - with 3 more days to go - and then I have to wait 7 more days after that before it actually works. I woke up with a splitting headache which I still have right now. AAAGGGHHH!! This really sucks donkey balls people.

My Body is Still Weird

A few years ago when Mark and I were trying to conceive our second child, I didn't get AF for over 60 days. I took over 10 pregnancy tests throughout that time because my OB was hoping that we were pregnant. So finally, she brought me in for an ultrasound.

I was confused as to what I was going to see. If the tests were negative, then there should be no baby in there. Then what the hell is causing me to not get a period? Then, on the screen, we saw it.

There was a big bubble-like sac - it looked like a pregnancy. My OB gave me a blood pregnancy test just to be absolutely sure. It came out negative, so she gave me a prescription for Provera.

What a crazy thing - that there would be a sac but no baby. Later on, when we went to fertility, we found out that Mark's sperm count is kind of low, and some of his spermies aren't shaped normally. We're old, people!! Both in our late 30s. Although they said my eggs were fine, it's common knowledge that women lose 90% of their eggs by the time they turn 30.

Well, Mark and I are NOT trying to conceive a third child right now. We have 2 healthy boys who keep me incredibly busy. Not to mention the fact that we've bought our own insurance that doesn't include maternity coverage. Teddy's c-section alone was $30,000!!! This doesn't count all the expenses I had for my gestational diabetes, asthma, cracked ribs, etc. So no, we're not trying. I think 2 is our lucky (VERY lucky) number.

So getting to my point - it happened again. I am on day #47 and no sign of anything. I've taken 4 tests that were all negative and started taking Provera last night. I have to take it for 10 days - then it could take up to 7 days to work!!!

Meanwhile, I feel like I've been in a permanent state of PMS for the last 3 weeks! Yesterday I had an especially hard time with the kids and the house and I thought I was going to explode. My mom showed up after work and I left to go to the store to buy valentines treats for Ricky's class party which is today and a birthday present. I felt bad that I wanted to get away, but I needed a mental break!

I think after a few years, my body is reminding me it's still weird and I should be careful - very, very careful.

Irish Twins?

I've been having cramps for the last few days and had that barfy feeling a few times - and the thought came - am I pregnant?? I have a 3 month old baby!! I did the math and the baby would be born in December - two babies born the same year!! Do they make bunk cribs?? I am breast feeding exclusively and I read that it's 98% effective....

The odds would be so low considering that it took us almost 3 years to get pregnant successfully again. We didn't have to worry about contraception because nothing was happening anyways.  I was supposed to have an IUD insertion at my 6 week post partum check-up but my OB/gyn suggested that I do that when we are sure we are done having kids since those things can stay in you for 10 years. Not to mention that when I saw all the instruments laid out on the table I totally chickened out. She gave me a prescription for the mini-pill which I took while I was nursing Ricky but then Mark lost his job and I didn't know our insurance situation and didn't want to take the pill for 3 months and then stop. Mark actually has a freelance job for the next 5 weeks but he spent quite a bit of time home the last 2 months......so it could be possible. Well, I took a pregnancy this morning and I am NOT pregnant. I have to admit that I was disappointed. I told Mark and he called me Octomom!! I think not. 

We joked about a third child but never thought it was even an option given our history. I'm grateful for the 2 healthy boys I have but my mom, cousin and sister say I need a girl. My aunt actually told me the last day I saw her that I needed a girl. I would love to have a girl but I feel like wishing for another child would be greedy after going through secondary fertility. Having 2 kids isn't as hectic as I thought it would be so what's so bad about adding one more? I guess I'm just intimidated by the cost of private schools and college. Then there are other day to day things I think of - isn't traveling harder with 3 kids? With two you can tag team, with three, they outnumber you. I guess we'll have to see.

My dad and stepmom were here visiting from the Philippines for 3 weeks so I didn't get to blog much. They stayed in our basement where they pretty much had their own bedroom and bathroom. My dad worked here in Chicago since the late '60s and retired a few years ago and moved back there. 

I love my dad but it was nice to have our house back. I don't have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to put out breakfast if I could stay in bed a while longer if Teddy would let me. But it was nice to have them around. 

Right now our priority is buying Ricky a big boy bed. We were contemplating bunk beds for the boys, but am afraid their age difference is too big that they wouldn't be interested in sharing. Teddy is huge - he just turned 3 months but he's wearing 9 month clothes! He sleeps through the night sometimes, but is usually up twice to eat at night. Ricky was up at least 4-5 times a night!! I'm still trying to adjust to having 2 kids and a house to take care of. I always try to be more organized - it's been my new year's resolution for years.

Please Don't Ask Me How I'm Feeling

As someone who suffered secondary infertility for a few years, 1 miscarriage, and 1 blighted ovum loss, I am very sensitive to others who are in that same boat.

Several weeks ago at preschool pick-up a bunch of parents were standing around just chit-chatting and getting to know one another - asking how many children they had attending the school, where you lived, etc. When asked how many kids she had, one mother said while blushing that she and her husband have been trying for a long time to have their second child. There I was with my big belly in her face - so I told her that it took us almost 3 years to get pregnant with this one. That's all I was able to share because then the kids came out and we all scrambled home on our separate ways.

So every day at drop-off and pick-up, some parent always asks me how I am doing and how I am feeling - and the mother with the SI is always standing right next to me. I always feel terrible. When I answer, I don't want to say "I feel terrific!" nor do I want to complain about my asthma, diabetes, or anything because I am so lucky to even *be* pregant in the first place. I never know how to answer when I am standing next to her because I know that whatever I say, she will feel bad. I know how much it sucks for her to hear all that every single time.

I just really hope things work out for her and she gets pregnant soon.

Summer Babble

I can hardly believe it's been a month since my last post. For shame!

Since Mark and I stopped fertility, I do have to say that we are both less stressed. The whole thing raised the pressure of conceiving so high. We were physically and emotionally exhausted and decided to book a week-long vacation to Punta Cana. Kind of crazy since we are also trying to put our house up for sale this month, but we knew that the moment it's on the market, we can't go anywhere in case a buyer is interested. And with the market as bad as it is, who knows when that would be.

We went the last week of May and took Ricky along with us. At first we were thinking of making this a "procreation vacation" and my mother was willing to watch him for us while we were away. I booked the vacation during my ovulation and after much discussion, we both decided it was best to bring Ricky along with us - we would miss the little guy too much.

The vacation was wonderful - I flashed some cash at the front desk and got upgraded to a double room to allow us privacy and to allow Ricky to go to bed on time and not be bothered by the tv. Our Apple vacation did not allow room upgrades and I read on the internet that flashing cash can certainly help.

The trip was all-inclusive so all we had to bring was a wad of singles for tipping. Our resort had 2 all you can eat buffets and 6 gourmet restaurants. The food looked odd at first, but when you try it, it is delicious. Punta Cana is definitely more of a European destination - we didn't run into too many Americans. There were lots of Europeans and South Americans - it was an interesting bunch.

We spent every day of our vacation eating, swimming in the ocean, and building sandcastles. Mark and I haven't had a beach/ocean vacation since our honeymoon in Australia in 2002 so it was a great break.

Now we are busy fixing up the house and packing all our stuff to get our house ready to sell. We bought that house in 2000 and it is amazing how much crap we have accumulated. Needless to say, I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to upload my vacation photos!! I guess I'll get to it when I can!

Dealing with the Needs-Not-to-Know's

Things have been pretty busy at home. We're getting the house ready to sell because we're moving this summer. Hopefully we'll be able to sell it even though the market is bad right now. We'll see.

Our immediate families and closest friends knew about our fertility treatment but I still hate dealing with questions from relatives who are gossipy. I was messing around playing Scramble on Facebook tonight and a second cousin (who is VERY gossipy) started instant messaging me and immediately asked if another baby was on the way. I chose to keep my conversation on our house selling and ignored the baby question - hoping she would think I didn't see it.

I know she probably means well - she is in her early twenties and probably doesn't realize that having a baby doesn't come easy to everyone. She does know I had a miscarriage last year so I kind of expected a little sensitivity. I just know that whatever I did tell her would end up in family conversations and the entire clan would know. No thanks.

When we do see the relatives this year - which is almost never - I am wondering if I should just lie and say we don't want any more children - just to get people to shut up. I guess I just don't want something that has been so difficult and painful to us to be part of the gossip.

Just like the universal code of manners and common decency says that it is impolite to bluntly ask how much money a person makes - I wish it would be considered impolite to ask people if they are going to have another baby or when is the next baby coming.

But of Course!

Yesterday I got a call from a nurse from our fertility doctor's office. At first I thought she wanted to talk to me about how we dropped out - but no. Apparently, our fertility doctor resigned and is moving to New York City to be closer to his family - elderly parent(s) situation. I felt bad for him and wish him well. He seemed like a good guy and was a nice doctor for the few times I actually saw him in the flesh.

But of course, Mark and I had to chuckle, that this is yet again another brick wall. Maybe it's a sign. We'll keep trying for another child on our own and see what happens.

Plan B

After my insemination a few weeks ago, my friends and family were so hopeful - but I knew I wasn't pregnant. I had none of the symptoms that I had in the past. As I suspected, I did not become pregnant from my insemination and Mark and I had to quickly decide what we were going to do. Were we going to do another insemination?

After much discussion, we decided to take a break from the fertility thing. It has been such a relief not to be under a schedule and going to appointments - hoping to be pregnant at month's end and being crushed. I think going to fertility heightened our pregnancy expectations and hope - and the disappointment and stress was so much worse. We may decide to go back for one more insemination - but we have to think about it.

It has been frustrating that they did not pinpoint the exact cause of our infertility - so maybe we just have the worst timing in the world, I don't know. So we decided to keep trying on our own and to book a restful vacation. So we booked a week-long vacation to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic for some needed R&R. At first we were going to try to make a "procreation vacation" out of it - and my mom was willing to watch Little Ricky for us for a few days. Mark and I decided to bring him on our trip afterall - we would miss the little guy too much. It may put a damper on night-time activities but during the day when we would see other kids frolicking in the sand, ocean, and pool - we would miss him terribly.

So needless to say, I am no longer depressed as I am not on Clomid. So right now we are focused on getting our house ready to sell and looking forward to our holiday. Hopefully this vacation may boost our odds of getting pregnant - Mark has been so stressed. So now I'm happier than I have been in months.

The Oven is Still Empty

Well here I am - in my 4th month of fertility treatment. I must admit that I haven't been blogging much because this last round of Clomid really kicked me into depression mode. Now that I've been off of it for 2 weeks, I can clearly say, it was the Clomid - and I hope I don't have to take it again.

So far, I have had about 17 ultrasounds (follicular), a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), a Post-Coital Test (kind of embarassing), and tons of bloodwork (that I must have as many holes in my right arm as a sponge) and no clear-cut answer as to the cause of our infertility. Is it possible that Mark and I really just suffer from crappy timing - for 2 years?

This past month I had an IUI - an Intrauterine Insemination. I won't know if I am pregnant til next week and so far it doesn't seem like it. I've been pregnant 2 times before and all the symptoms I had are not here. I know I still could be - so I am being a good girl and not eating tuna, consuming caffeine or alcohol, or doing aerobic activity - no bike rides with my boys.

The nurses have mentioned that injectables are far more successful than Clomid (tablets) and I need to ask them about those meds. I have made a list of things I need to do in case I have to take hormonal medication again and end up being depressed:

1. Keep busy - continually clean the house and go through our things for donations
2. Play lots of music - keeps me calm and makes me happy
3. Read books
4. Stop eating french fries and fried food (I did this last time and gained lots of pounds) Weight gain makes you even more depressed - to be depressed AND fat sucks
5. Spend even more time watching movies with my husband and son
6. Talk to my friends and family

If my pregnancy test next week comes out negative, I am not sure what we will do next. I guess I will just hope (as I have many, many, times) that I AM pregnant and deal with what to do later.

That's One Big Needle

I am rolling up my sleeve, expecting an injection to be administered on my arm. I watch the nurse take out a very very large needle - like 5 inches long - and fills it with the medicine from the vial.

Me : Ummm...isn't that needle a bit large for my arm? I mean, it looks like it will go right through my arm!!!

Nurse: (laughing) Yeah, it's so big because it's actually for your butt cheek.

I haven't had an injection on my rear-end since I was a kid and now I remember why I would cry.

Secondary Infertility - so far

After being in fertility treatments for over a month, it's been determined that I am normal. While I am relieved to be considered normal, Mark and I are both puzzled as to why we have not been able to get pregnant in over a year.

They tested all kinds of things in my blood - I probably went to have blood taken at least 4 times so far. I tested well for all the hormones I am supposed to have.

I've had multiple ultrasounds and an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) - which was the worst pain I have endured in 20 minutes - yes it was worse than labor pains. They insert dye into your uterus to check if you have any blockages in your fallopian tubes. They told me to take some Motrin in the waiting room and said I "might have some cramping." About 2 minutes after the test, I was doubled over crying and Mark had to buy me more Motrin. I took four. Note to self: when doctors tell you to take Motrin in the waiting room, you're really going to hurt!

So I am undergoing my second cycle of fertility testing and hopefully the end of the tunnel is coming. They increased my dosage of Clomid and I had to purchase a shot of HGC to bring with me to my ultrasound when I get a positive reading on my daily ovulation pee stick. It hasn't happened yet even though I finished the Clomid. I guess my eggies aren't quite ready yet.

Last week I was in the waiting room with a woman who brought her (looked like) 5-6 year old son. Although he was older than Ricky, it didn't seem so bad with an age difference like that. Ricky might just be that boy - who knows. I feel bad for her as well as the other women I share the waiting room with - and it was interesting for me to see another person with secondary infertility. I bet it's more common than I realize - I just don't know anybody else with the same issues I have.... but I bet they're out there.

Hormonal and Hopeful

So after one round of fertility, I am not pregnant. The nurse called to tell me the news and I made things easier for her by telling her I knew already. The poor woman has to give this news to eager and hopeful patients every day. But it was fine for me. How more disappointing can this be when I am so used to it now. Of course I'm not pregnant. How in the world could I be?

All I can do is hope that this is the month it will finally happen. That's what I have been holding onto every month.

My fertility doctor has chosen to do more conservative efforts first like giving me Clomid and having timed relations before suggesting inseminations or invitro. This is absolutely what Mark and I want. We want it to be as natural as possible.

So this past month I was on Clomid and it made me super sensitive to the point of pathetic. Cartoons made me cry - everything made me cry. And the bad part is that I can't stop crying once it starts. And guess what? This month they are going to *double* the dosage I had last month. I have already started warning friends and family to beware.

Amusing Pre-natal Vitamins

As part of my fertility treatments, my doctor told me to stop taking my One a Day Vitamins and start taking pre-natal vitamins. He wrote me a prescription but also provided me with lots of free boxes of samples to last me a few weeks.

Take a closer look at my pre-natal vitamin box and what do you see? All kinds of women of different races and ethnic backgrounds with babies in their bellies. I laugh every time I take my vitamin before I go to bed because of this picture.

Infertility & Insurance Anxiety

I just scheduled my first ultrasound for this week at my fertility doctor. After speaking with their billing personnel, I was told that our insurance will cover 100% diagnostic treatment after my $40 co-pay. This was fabulous news given that I paid that co-pay a few weeks ago - and know that the next few weeks will be covered by our insurance 100%.

The bad news is that after the doctor has determined what is 'wrong" and begins 'treatment" our insurance will cover nothing. nada. I was surprised to learn that Clomid (medicine) costs more than an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Medicine costs more than a procedure??

Part of me doesn't care how much we pay -we want another child so badly we will pay whatever the cost. The other part of me - that is the SAHM and part time librarian who makes nothing is cringing at the same time.

To be honest, I just learned all of this about 15 minutes prior to writing this blog entry - so I don't really know how I feel about it yet and want to talk to Mark about it when he gets home.

Therefore, I would say that I am suffering from Infertility & Insurance Anxiety - and I wouldn't be surprised if there were other couples out there in this world who just started fertility treament and who are suffering from the same thing right about now.

Withdrawal

So I went to see a Fertility doctor last week and he told me to only drink half a cup of coffee a day - no more. I guess the caffeine boosts your chances of having a miscarriage - and in my case, I can't take any chances of losing any possibility I might have - I figured that the best thing would be to go cold turkey.

I love my coffee - I look forward to my first cup every morning. Sometimes in the afternoon, I will also have a cup if I'm in the mood for it.

So the minute the doctor told me this, I haven't had a drop - and suffered a migraine headache for two days as a result. Mark had to take Ricky to a birthday party over the weekend without me. I was too busy trying not to puke. When I get bad migraines, the pain is so intense it gives me nausea.

So today I go to a playdate with my 3 girlfriends and 2 of them who are both pregnant and in their second trimester are pounding coffees. They tell me that they have always had coffee every day throughout their pregnancies. ugh - life is so not fair.

I decided to order steamed milk with caramel when I am at a Starbucks with a friend and too sad not to have a cup of coffee. I love hot drinks - hot milk will do just fine.

How Big is My Stocking?

Today a Twitter friend asked "What gift that doesn't come in a package would you wish you received this holiday season?" And I thought, a baby. Of course.

I looked for a pic of a baby in a stocking and saw this cute one. If only Santa could put a baby in my stocking! If my stocking were hung by a fireplace though, that would be kind of dangerous!

Try, Try Again

Mark and I have been trying for our second child since June of last year - so that would mean that we have been trying for over a year. We were able to get pregnant in December, but ended up having a miscarriage in January of this year. We didn't think it would be so hard for us afterall - since we didn't even formally consciously try to have Ricky. He just came and it was great. So we kind of took our fertility for granted and assumed that when we were ready for another baby, it would magically arrive. Not.

I have been using those pee-on-a-stick thing-ys that you can buy at the store - 7 tests for roughly $15. You are supposed to not drink too much and hold your urine for 4 hours - or use the first urine of the day. Since I can never *hold it* for any length of time at all, I have been opting for the first urine of the day. Either my urine sucks, I am not testing properly, or I am not ovulating, because I never have a positive result. I told myself and my husband that I am never buying those things again.

So I bought a basal thermometer.

These things are supposed to let you figure out your most fertile time and I am supposed to be taking my temperature every morning before I get up from bed and recording it. I will start doing this at the end of this cycle. Hopefully this will work. It has to.

My doctor says that a fertility specialist won't see me until it's been a year since my miscarriage. With every period and month that passes, the age difference between Ricky and his sibling gets bigger and bigger. If we went to Disney World, I don't want to be at Dumbo with one child while Mark is on the big-ass roller coaster with Ricky. NO NO NO.