Beware of the PMS Monster

It's Day #53 for me and no sign of AF!! I'm in a permanent state of PMS so I cried like a fool watching Oprah this morning with all the reunions . I'm on day 7 of Provera - with 3 more days to go - and then I have to wait 7 more days after that before it actually works. I woke up with a splitting headache which I still have right now. AAAGGGHHH!! This really sucks donkey balls people.

V-day Memories

Mark has gotten these from me every V-day for the last 14 years. The first time, I mailed a box of these to him in college in his last semester. We weren't dating, we were just friends - and I kind of wanted something more.

I told my aunt T about it, and she came over that day with a Martha Stewart recipe and a heart shaped cookie cutter. The recipe was pretty crazy - it had about 20 ingredients. It was exciting to bake these and send them to a guy I liked. I was such a giddy schoolgirl. I sent them - red m&m in the middle of each and all in a box that I decorated in special valentine paper.

After I mailed the box, a day or so later, Mark called to thank me for the brownies. To save myself from utter humiliation, I told him that I also mailed a box of them to our mutual friend Jen (LIE!!).

When we were moving our stuff to the other house 2 years ago, I was surprised and touched to see that Mark actually kept the box that I sent the brownies in. If he didn't like me, he would've just thrown the box away, right?

So every Valentines Day, I make these for my hubby. My Aunt T would ask me every year if I baked them - and of course the answer was always yes. When I bake them, I always think about her and her help in getting-the-guy. I think about how much fun we had baking them and how I had to run to the grocery store THREE times that afternoon!! I think about how excited I was to send them to Mark and how embarassed I was after he received them. I plan on making these every Valentines Day for the rest of my life.

My Body is Still Weird

A few years ago when Mark and I were trying to conceive our second child, I didn't get AF for over 60 days. I took over 10 pregnancy tests throughout that time because my OB was hoping that we were pregnant. So finally, she brought me in for an ultrasound.

I was confused as to what I was going to see. If the tests were negative, then there should be no baby in there. Then what the hell is causing me to not get a period? Then, on the screen, we saw it.

There was a big bubble-like sac - it looked like a pregnancy. My OB gave me a blood pregnancy test just to be absolutely sure. It came out negative, so she gave me a prescription for Provera.

What a crazy thing - that there would be a sac but no baby. Later on, when we went to fertility, we found out that Mark's sperm count is kind of low, and some of his spermies aren't shaped normally. We're old, people!! Both in our late 30s. Although they said my eggs were fine, it's common knowledge that women lose 90% of their eggs by the time they turn 30.

Well, Mark and I are NOT trying to conceive a third child right now. We have 2 healthy boys who keep me incredibly busy. Not to mention the fact that we've bought our own insurance that doesn't include maternity coverage. Teddy's c-section alone was $30,000!!! This doesn't count all the expenses I had for my gestational diabetes, asthma, cracked ribs, etc. So no, we're not trying. I think 2 is our lucky (VERY lucky) number.

So getting to my point - it happened again. I am on day #47 and no sign of anything. I've taken 4 tests that were all negative and started taking Provera last night. I have to take it for 10 days - then it could take up to 7 days to work!!!

Meanwhile, I feel like I've been in a permanent state of PMS for the last 3 weeks! Yesterday I had an especially hard time with the kids and the house and I thought I was going to explode. My mom showed up after work and I left to go to the store to buy valentines treats for Ricky's class party which is today and a birthday present. I felt bad that I wanted to get away, but I needed a mental break!

I think after a few years, my body is reminding me it's still weird and I should be careful - very, very careful.

Easy Comfort Food: Beef Round Steak

I knew the storm was coming and wanted to make some comfort food. So I decided to make some beef round steak in a crock pot.

I found a few recipes on the internet and just made my own based on them. Unfortunately, by the time Mark got home last night and shoveled and was finally ready for dinner, it was soooo late that I forgot to take a picture of my end product. I'll post one tonight - it will be a leftover though. Mark actually really liked it (and yes, he would definitely tell me if he didn't like it) and I'll be making it again.

It's so easy that your kid could make it. These are the recipes I love the most - especially since I have kids - including one baby who likes to climb and give me a heart attack several times an hour.

Here is the recipe:

1.5 pounds of round steak

6 carrots, cut into chunks

1 onion, sliced

1 can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup

1 envelope of dry onion soup

3/4 cup water

6 potatoes

salt and pepper

1. Brown beef. Slice into strips or pieces

2. Put carrots and onions in crock pot. Beef on top. Pour soup, dry soup, and water on top of everything - mixing it a bit.

3. Cook on low 5-7 hours. Mix periodically.

4. Serve on a bed of mashed potatoes.

All the recipes called for putting the potatoes in the crock pot as well, and I decided that putting it on top of a bed of mashed potatoes would taste so much better. And it did. Also, recipes said to mix the soups and water - which didn't make much sense to me. The condensed soup is so thick that mixing it with water without heat did nothing. So didn't bother putting that in the recipe.

This turned out pretty well. Ricky ate the carrots and mashed potatoes but not the steak. He also said he didn't like the sauce. Oh well.

A Year Without T

Today marks the first anniversary of the death of my aunt - my mother's sister. We all called her "T" - short for Tita which means Aunt. My sister coined the name one day and I can't remember when that actually happened. But I must have been really little because not to brag, but I usually remember everything.

The day started off with a mass, then breakfast at the pancake house, and a trip to the cemetery. We also do this for my grandma's birthday and death anniversary as well. Then my cousin came over and sat on my couch all day with me - played with my kids and just hung out. I was glad because I really wanted to hang with someone. No offense to my kids, but it was that kind of day.

My aunt's passing was the second major loss in my family. The first being my Grandma's (also maternal) death in 2001. So my family is no stranger to loss or grief. My grandma lived with me for most of my childhood and took care of me and my sister while both our parents worked. Losing her shook my world, but that's a totally different topic for a different day.

The year without my aunt was tough. Easy in some respects because it just felt like she was at her house and I just hadn't talked to her in a long time. It was hard when something really funny would happen and I would rush to the phone to tell her - only to remember that she wasn't around anymore. It was also hard when I was cooking and would have a question to ask her, or when I had to plant flowers in the spring or clean up the garden before the winter. It is no secret I have a brown thumb, and she would always offer her green one.

In a lot of ways, her absence changed the dynamic of my family. It's not as funny anymore. T made things interesting in general - she had so many interests and had such a great personality. We laughed so much more when she was alive. Our family get-togethers are so boring now. It's really hard to explain.

Throughout my life, I found myself with the uncontrollable case of the giggles with T all the time - when something is funny and you cannot stop laughing for the longest time. Kind of like the time when we were getting our house blessed (I was about 7 years old) and the priest that was doing the blessing was wearing glasses with a PLAYBOY logo on them - and my Grandma sighing very very loudly during the blessing, "AGH!! I AM MISSING PALCON CREST!!!" (Falcon, but with the accent, it's PALCON). It's times like this that I will always cherish but will be sad because there will be no more like them, with her, in my future. That's the absolute worst. And what the hell is a PRIEST doing with anything PLAYBOY??? We found out that he later left the priesthood, got married, and has 3 kids. That says it all.

T used to babysit Ricky for me quite a bit when he was 2 and 3 years old and I went to work at the public library. Ricky was sad that T died and the other day I was mortified when I asked him about T and he said he didn't remember her. Not sure if he is making that up or if he *really* doesn't remember her. That would truly break my heart. T passed away when Teddy was a month old and she met him once before she died - when he was 2 weeks old. She was so weak, but was able to hold him while she was lying down, oxygen tank and all.

After giving birth, my hormones were crazy and losing my aunt threw me in a depression. Not to mention the fact that Mark lost his job just a few days after her funeral. I didn't realize it then, but I must have been depressed. I stopped calling my friends, stopped going on play dates or inviting friends over here, and basically did nothing but take care of my kids the whole year. I feel really bad for Ricky - it was a huge adjustment to get a sibling after having your mom and dad to yourself for so long and on top of that, your parents are totally lame and always want to stay home.

Anyways, I guess I carry T with me wherever I go, in my heart. I am sad my kids will grow up without her and if Ricky has any memory of her at all - it will slowly fade as time passes. My family is still trying to re-group and getting together still feels odd, but I guess that will take time too. I am having a lot of negative feelings toward my uncle (T's husband), and that will be a different post altogether.

Well wherever T is, I hope it is great. I hope she is happy and I hope she and Grandma aren't fighting.

Bam Bam

Teddy just turned 12 months old a few weeks ago and he picked up a great habit of pushing his toys up to the couch, standing on them, and hoisting himself onto the couch!! Over the weekend I found myself doing some housework, looking over, and flying to him just in time before he would fall off the couch - sometimes head first.

When he is awake we play, but I also leave him in the living room surrounded by a barrier - a "safe zone" while I do some housework. Ricky will play with him while they both watch t.v. Now that he is 12 months old and more mobile, I am always checking up on him almost every minute to make sure he's safe, not eating something he shouldn't be eating, not beating up on Ricky or pulling his hair. It's my biggest fear that I would look away for a second and find him choking on something or falling really hard on his head.

He's figured out a way to escape the safe zone and proceed to climb up the 4 stairs onto our kitchen. Mark put a bunch of bins full of clothes and shoes as a barrier and Teddy can PUSH them by himself! I think we need to fill them with bricks.

Not to compare, but Ricky wasn't a climber - nor did he put toys or anything in his mouth that wasn't food. So I didn't freak out so much when he was this age. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled my little man is so physical and normal. I'm just talking about how scared I am all the time.

I know this is normal for boys and I'm just not used to it. I grew up with a sister and we were so boring - we never climbed trees or anything remotely physical. Teddy is also fond of throwing toys on our hardwood floor so I jump whenever I hear a crash so that's always fun. Shouldn't I be used to this already??