As someone who suffered secondary infertility for a few years, 1 miscarriage, and 1 blighted ovum loss, I am very sensitive to others who are in that same boat.
Several weeks ago at preschool pick-up a bunch of parents were standing around just chit-chatting and getting to know one another - asking how many children they had attending the school, where you lived, etc. When asked how many kids she had, one mother said while blushing that she and her husband have been trying for a long time to have their second child. There I was with my big belly in her face - so I told her that it took us almost 3 years to get pregnant with this one. That's all I was able to share because then the kids came out and we all scrambled home on our separate ways.
So every day at drop-off and pick-up, some parent always asks me how I am doing and how I am feeling - and the mother with the SI is always standing right next to me. I always feel terrible. When I answer, I don't want to say "I feel terrific!" nor do I want to complain about my asthma, diabetes, or anything because I am so lucky to even *be* pregant in the first place. I never know how to answer when I am standing next to her because I know that whatever I say, she will feel bad. I know how much it sucks for her to hear all that every single time.
I just really hope things work out for her and she gets pregnant soon.
1 comment:
I think there is no "right" thing to say to a SI (secondary infertile) who is in that hopeless space when you've been there and come out on the other side pregnant/with another child. I have the same dynamic with a friend going through PI (primary infertility) - even though I have the same pain as her, she doesn't want to hear TOO much from me because I have had one biological child. I guess the SI you know is feeling like a lot of us do dealing with SIF - stuck between a fertile and infertile world. A bump is a bump and it's very difficult for those with no hope to look past it and see a woman who struggled herself for long time. You've opened yourself up to her already - and you are so aware of her pain that maybe one day you will be able to connect with her a little more - if she'll let you in.
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