The day started off with a mass, then breakfast at the pancake house, and a trip to the cemetery. We also do this for my grandma's birthday and death anniversary as well. Then my cousin came over and sat on my couch all day with me - played with my kids and just hung out. I was glad because I really wanted to hang with someone. No offense to my kids, but it was that kind of day.
My aunt's passing was the second major loss in my family. The first being my Grandma's (also maternal) death in 2001. So my family is no stranger to loss or grief. My grandma lived with me for most of my childhood and took care of me and my sister while both our parents worked. Losing her shook my world, but that's a totally different topic for a different day.
The year without my aunt was tough. Easy in some respects because it just felt like she was at her house and I just hadn't talked to her in a long time. It was hard when something really funny would happen and I would rush to the phone to tell her - only to remember that she wasn't around anymore. It was also hard when I was cooking and would have a question to ask her, or when I had to plant flowers in the spring or clean up the garden before the winter. It is no secret I have a brown thumb, and she would always offer her green one.
In a lot of ways, her absence changed the dynamic of my family. It's not as funny anymore. T made things interesting in general - she had so many interests and had such a great personality. We laughed so much more when she was alive. Our family get-togethers are so boring now. It's really hard to explain.
Throughout my life, I found myself with the uncontrollable case of the giggles with T all the time - when something is funny and you cannot stop laughing for the longest time. Kind of like the time when we were getting our house blessed (I was about 7 years old) and the priest that was doing the blessing was wearing glasses with a PLAYBOY logo on them - and my Grandma sighing very very loudly during the blessing, "AGH!! I AM MISSING PALCON CREST!!!" (Falcon, but with the accent, it's PALCON). It's times like this that I will always cherish but will be sad because there will be no more like them, with her, in my future. That's the absolute worst. And what the hell is a PRIEST doing with anything PLAYBOY??? We found out that he later left the priesthood, got married, and has 3 kids. That says it all.
T used to babysit Ricky for me quite a bit when he was 2 and 3 years old and I went to work at the public library. Ricky was sad that T died and the other day I was mortified when I asked him about T and he said he didn't remember her. Not sure if he is making that up or if he *really* doesn't remember her. That would truly break my heart. T passed away when Teddy was a month old and she met him once before she died - when he was 2 weeks old. She was so weak, but was able to hold him while she was lying down, oxygen tank and all.
After giving birth, my hormones were crazy and losing my aunt threw me in a depression. Not to mention the fact that Mark lost his job just a few days after her funeral. I didn't realize it then, but I must have been depressed. I stopped calling my friends, stopped going on play dates or inviting friends over here, and basically did nothing but take care of my kids the whole year. I feel really bad for Ricky - it was a huge adjustment to get a sibling after having your mom and dad to yourself for so long and on top of that, your parents are totally lame and always want to stay home.
Anyways, I guess I carry T with me wherever I go, in my heart. I am sad my kids will grow up without her and if Ricky has any memory of her at all - it will slowly fade as time passes. My family is still trying to re-group and getting together still feels odd, but I guess that will take time too. I am having a lot of negative feelings toward my uncle (T's husband), and that will be a different post altogether.
Well wherever T is, I hope it is great. I hope she is happy and I hope she and Grandma aren't fighting.
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